Fear Lost Love
by Magick
Summary: Set directly post TCI, Rose and the 10th Doctor's impressions. Complete!
1. In His Eyes

Disclaimer- I don't own DW, or any of the characters. I'm not writing this for profit, or personal gain- just the enjoyment of the fans who read it.

Hallo all! This is my first fic in this fandom, so please review, and tell me how it could be improved. I've read some really amazing ones, and that's sort of my goal. Check out the fic 'Facets' on A Teaspoon and an Open Mind, it's probably one of the best Ive ever read!

But now, on to the story.

- ---

Every morning she comes from her room, looking a little sadder then the day before. I think that purple ink stain on her cheek is going to become permanent, if she keeps falling asleep on her diary. She's still trying to work through it all, the regeneration, the loss of my former self. I don't begrudge her that, but I wish it was me she was turning to.

That old tatty book can't hug her, or tell her that he's still here, even if I don't look like I did.

I've not always liked my past selves. Not something I really proud of, mind you, but it's still true. But it's hard to explain, it's almost like running into an old friend that you haven't seen for a very long time. You don't really know anything, except for a lot of shared memories.

As much as you might have once been inseparable, now you're different people.

But I don't think I've ever hated one, as much as I am coming to despise the one who came before me. And at the same time, I desperately wish I could jump out of this existence, and be him again.

Because it would make her smile, and because I know, deep down, that she can probably never love me like she loved him. Ironically, because I still love her as much, if not more, then my past self ever had the chance to.

Had he only opened himself up, let himself admit to what it was, he knew, growing in his heart, then maybe it wouldn't have had to end this way. With her staring at me, and not really seeing anything.

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes I just want to grab her and shake her until she finally looks at me. I don't so much care if it's in fear, or love, or joy- I just want her to see ME without his shadow. Without the knowledge that she's still wishing it was that silly face, with the hawkish nose, and the ears that could pick up radio waves.

Well, yeah, that was uncharitable. I mean, he did die to save her from the Vortex that was running through her mind.

But no man can watch the woman he loves pining over another, and still remain calm!

Not for long now though, because she'll be leaving. Any morning, I'm just waiting, for her to tell me that she wants to be taken home. That she can't trust this new face. And I'll let her go.

Because I want her to be happy, and I want her to have the kind of life that she deserves. The former Me was selfish to ask her, to put her in danger-

And I'm glad he was. As much as I hate him for leaving her like he did, I still love him, because he met her. And without him, she wouldn't be sleeping through that wall. Lying on her bed, cheek pillowed by that damn journal.

Tomorrow she'll stumble out here, bare feet and Bugs Bunny pajama pants with holes in the hems. And that purple ink will still be on her face, and she will still look at me with distance in those beautiful eyes.

And I will hate him a little more, and love him, because at least, for this moment, she is here. And I can see her one more time before this little world I live in, gets smashed at my feet.

It feels sort of like tearing out your own heart, and grinding it to a bloody pulp under your heel. 'Cept for I have two hearts to tear out, and twice the mess to clean up after. So I try to commit every moment to memory; the tape to hold me together when she's gone.

Right now I want to throw open her door, and beg her not to leave. But when she is gone, all I have is my pride. My former self grieved for our people, and I know I shall grieve for what she gave me.

Joy, hope, and some measure of peace.

This morning will be different, I know. It's too close to the hour she will wake, and I won't have time to hide my red eyes. To be entirely honest, I'm not even sure I care to anymore. Let her see the effect she has on me.

The breaking double hearts in my chest, and see her turn away in disgust at my weakness. I am more afraid of the sound of her alarm, then of anything else in all the worlds, all the galaxies and races.

No being ever created any torture so brilliant as I have made for myself.

Ah, and that's the maudlin side of me coming out. Doesn't make it any less true, but if I keep on in that vein, then I don't think I'll be able to stop myself when she wakes up.

Letting her go is like suicide… And there's the sound of her alarm.

- ---

There go, review please?


	2. In Her Eyes

Well, I know I said it was going to be a one-shot, but I've gotten so many wonderful reviews that I decided to add this. Maybe one more, if I get enough interest.

Still, when my story gets 139 hits, and only 5 reviews?

- ---

Dear Diary.

He can't stand to look at me. Like I'm a bug on his shoe, or something really nasty from some planet I've never seen. He turns away, every time. I thought that maybe things would be ok, even though, yeah, he's different then he was.

Mebbe we could be friends, at the very least, ya know? Like even if he didn't love me, that I could stick around. Guess that's not going to happen now.

But I don't get it, he took me back. Acted like he wanted me to stay, like he might even still care. And then he turns around and does this. Acts all vacant and far away. Was it pity? I don't even want to ask, just in case the answer is Yes.

I hate the mixmatching though! Oh yeah, mixmatching, like, when he says one thing, and then acts totally different. I really hate that.

And yeah, I know he's still trying to get over this whole regeneration thing, so I'm trying to give him his space. And all I have to work off of is what I know of the one before him.

My Doctor.

He would need his space right now, so I'm just doing the best I can. I know he's still awake out there, puttering around with whatever it is that he does all night. Thinks I'm asleep, he does. But I don't sleep too much anymore, too much on my mind I guess.

And that's just it, 'I guess'. Cuz I don't know anymore, and in the dark moments, like right now, I wonder, "Did I ever?"

Like, how much can anyone really know a 900 year old alien from another planet? 'Specially one as close-lipped as he is. Really, would it kill him to open up once in a while!

I think I'm going to ask him to send me home.

There. I said it. Down on paper, and I can't erase it. The words are staring at me like some ugly little toad. I don't want to go. I want to run out there, screaming at him, telling him how much I love him, even now.

Even when it feels like I've completely betrayed him. Former him. However it works.

But I don't WANT TO GO! I want to keep him safe, and make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. I want to see him smile, and hear him laugh, and…

Yeah, since I'm being all honest tonight, I'll say it. Write it all down and make it official.

I want to do a lot more then that. But those thoughts are X-rated, and I'm not going into anymore detail.

And I wonder if this Doctor does domestic. Scares me how often I wonder that, because it's serious, and it's really only going to get me hurt. Because he still looks at me like a bug.

And that's on the good days, when he looks at me at all.

'Cuz I don't know how to let him go, and I can't turn away from this. This feeling like I'm never going to be whole, or happy, unless he's with me. Like I was never even alive until he grabbed my hand, and told me to run.

But that wasn't even him. That was the one before him, the one I still sort of expect to see when I walk into the other room in the morning.

And I'm watching all the little digital numbers on my clock ticking over, telling me that my alarm is going to ring in a little while, and tell me to get my butt out of bed. Usually I fall asleep before this, leaving a squiggly mark of ink on my page, and half-printed letters smudged on my face.

Beautiful, no wonder he can't stand to look at me. Just a dumb ape, less then dirt. Less then the Slitheen.

Maybe he thinks I'm worth less then the Daleks?

I don't think so though, because he hates them. And I don't think he hates me. Actually, I know he doesn't hate me, just doesn't want me around anymore. Cluttering up his ship, and being all Myself.

And I hate myself, because I couldn't save him. And I don't know how we got off the Gamestation, but obviously it turned out alright. But I couldn't save him, and I don't even know what he did, so I can't really thank him for saving me.

Bet I didn't do anything important. Just got in the way, as usual. Still, another thing I can't ask him. Can't stand knowing the answer. The result is the same.

I couldn't save him, and can't stand the sight of me.

And how do I tell him to take me home? When I can't even stand the sight of the words? Ask him to come round at Christmas, and try not to wonder what he's been doing?

Watch at this wonderful blue box disappears into the Ether, and dream of where it might be going. Or the incredible things that he's doing. Worse yet, the danger that he could be in. And year by year, as he simply forgets to come back, and find someone better.

Then be alone, because I know that nobody, ever, is going to compare. Be an old spinster, dreaming of the man I had to let go? Or marry Mickey? Be all settled down, I know he'd never tell me No.

But he'd never take me to amazing places, or light up the room with just the power of a smile. And he'd never be able to hold my heart in his hands, like the Doctor does. So then I just have to walk away, and get used to the gaping hole in my chest.

And try to be normal, when I hate normal. Write about my adventures in a book that nobody will ever read, and work in a shop during the day.

But he'd be happier, because I wouldn't be here. And he could go off and do whatever he wanted, and not be tied down by some dumb ape that doesn't know anything.

So does his happiness mean more then my life? A real life, rather then existing? I really wish that question was harder to answer.

Because that's it then. Yes. Yes his happiness does mean more, and it's the least I can do. Show how much I love him, by leaving him alone. And no more silly questions, and he doesn't have to worry about me being too slow.

I only hope the next person he finds is better. Can make him really, really happy.

And when did I stop drawing the line between one Doctor, and the next? The one who loved me (I think.) and the one who can't stand being in the same room with me.

I'll tell him today, this morning.

Damn, there's the alarm clock beeping. Time to face the music.

- ---

This chapter is dedicated to Evil-Demandred, (on ff.n) for the wonderful review that convinced me to write at LEAST one more chapter.

Thanks also to:

Skydancer

Erika

NeatScribble

Megoddess2

And UnseenCharacters

You guys are the best!

On another note, I do occasionally Beta for people, and any questions/comments (or if you just want to chat!) can add me to MSN on 


	3. Between Us We See

Hello! Well, as far as I know, this is going to be the last chapter. I WILL write a sequel, if there's enough interest though. I've spent a few days thinking about whom to dedicate this to, and I finally figured it out.

So, this chapter is for Billie Piper, Chris Eccleston, and David Tennant, as well as all of the other actors, writers, and directors, who have made this wonderful creation- which we have discussed, and argued about, (ect!) On forums and sites all over the web.

THANK YOU!

**_Bold Italics_- **The Doctor's thoughts

_Italics- _Rose's thoughts

Now on with the story!

- ---

For the first time, in all his long memory, the Doctor felt trapped by the walls of his own TARDIS. Pacing around the control room like some caged beast, waiting for the soft shuffle of her bare feet across the metal grating.

Even the soothing, earthy glow of the consol lights did nothing to improve his mood. A mood which was becoming increasingly anxious. His white canvas shoes beat a steady rhythm on the floor- twelve steps ahead, two in the turn, and twelve back the way he came. He could taste the bitterness of tears and despair, and it was drowning him.

**_Soon, she'll be out here soon. And then I will have to face her, my Rose. _**

His steps faltered as he heard the swish sound of her door opening in the corridor behind him. A wave of raw panic swept through his body. Over the man who had faced the Daleks, and the Slitheen. Who had lost his entire race. And he was terrified of one little human.

_**Please not today, I don't think I have the courage to watch her go. She'll walk away, and I'll beg her to stay. Stay with me, don't leave me, don't let my own darkness consume me again. Rose, my light, please don't leave!**_

But his words were only in his mind, a screaming litany that brought more burning tears to his eyes. Welled there like liquid damnation. He heard her footsteps approaching, not the soft padding of flesh on metal, but something more akin to the hobnailed boots of an executioner.

Rose pulled her shoes on, determined to make a clean break of the situation. No more hanging about in her pajamas, she had instead opted for her usual jeans and a sweater. With every loop of the black laces, she tried to steel her resolve.

It didn't work, and soon she felt the weight return to her heart. Thumping painfully against her chest, Rose was sure she was going to be sick with the nervous butterflies smashing around in her stomach.

_Alright Rose, you can do this. Just tell him that you want to go home. You don't have to be here, and he'll be happier when you're gone. _

Rose could almost hear the angels of her better nature, pleading her not to do this. Not to strip away the only thing in her life that really mattered anymore. Vacantly, she noted that her better angels sounded a lot like Captain Jack.

Straightening her posture, her body tense with nerves, Rose pushed open her door. The hallway had never seemed longer; never so claustrophobically dense, as it did this very moment. All of her courage, focused, into putting one foot ahead of the other.

Her breath rasped in her throat, catching, as she entered the room. Rose could clearly see him, shoulders slumped forward in defeat. Even though she could not see his face, his despair was obvious. But her own tormented thoughts blinded her to the Doctor's pain.

_Typical, as usual, he won't look at me. Just turn around, damn you! I'm standing right here, about to change everything- and I can't do it to the back of your head!_

**_Just don't turn around, and then you won't make a fool of yourself. Let her walk away, and be done with it. All she has to do it say the word, and it's over. Just don't turn and see that she's been crying for him again._**

_Please Doctor, don't make this any harder. Just look at me, so I KNOW that you don't love me. Not like I love you. I need to know it for sure!_

_**I can feel her eyes, staring at me. But I'm waiting. I feel like I've been frozen, staring into the eyes of the Medusa. Except for the Medusa is behind me. And I think she's waiting to.**_

_What are you waiting for!_

_**Please Rose, just end it. Spare me this torment.**_

The silence seemed to stretch on, into the far side of Eternity. The Doctor could feel his heartbeats in his ears. Rose, only the sound of her sharp breaths that burned her lungs. And for a time, they remained that way- suspended. Neither one willing to take that final step, and officially destroy everything.

"Take me home."

The Doctor's hand snapped to the edge of the control panel, gripping it tightly as her words struck him like a physical slap. Knuckles were white with tension, as he resisted the urge to throw himself at her feet. Plead with her not to leave. Not to leave him with only the crushing despair that shrouded him now.

And the silence reigned supreme once more, as Rose struggled with the almost overwhelming desire to snatch back her words. Take them back from where they hovered between them. The condemning fall of the axe, uttered by her own traitorous lips.

"As you wish." He choked out, words swimming in wretched bile. And still, he did not move to the controls. Because then he would have to face her. And she would see the tears that he couldn't control.

But the TARDIS is no ordinary machine, and as they stood there, the silence was thrice broken by the sounds of movement, and the shifting green glow of the central column waking into life.

_**Even my own ship thinks she should leave. **_

_He must really want me gone._

_**Rose, please don't do this.**_

_Doctor, tell me not to go!_

_**I need you.**_

_I'm not even living when you're not with me._

'Doctor, I-"

"Rose, please-"

They both began, to be interrupted by the smooth crunch of a good landing. Outside those doors were the streets of London, they both knew. The early part of a new century, with streets teeming with cars, and bicycles, and the endless rows of little stores and larger department chains.

_**And she'll be safer without me. **_

_And I'll be lost without him._

Her feet were moving on autopilot, bringing her towards the exit. As she passed, the urge to look at him, once more, was simply too strong for her mortal body to resist. Her movements were slow, and Rose felt like she was swimming through molasses.

His skin was ashen, streaked with tears. She drank in the absolute despair in those red-rimmed eyes, glowing with exquisite anguish. The rumpled shirt, sleeves pushed up to the elbows. How his hands shook with every breath, so fragile.

_He looks broken…But he doesn't care! How can I break him if he doesn't care?_

**_Stop looking at me, Rose. Just leave. Walk out those doors, and be gone from my life. Please, before I beg you to stay... Don't see me weak. I don't want you to remember me like this._**

And she never gave it another thought. That look was the final nail in her coffin, deciding, without her permission, what she had to do.

The Doctor was so wrapped up in his grief, that he never saw her move.

Running the few steps between them, reaching blindly for the man she loved more then reason. In his arms, clutching at his shirt, Rose never stopped to wonder when it had become so obvious. When her own pain became secondary to taking his away.

"Doctor please, don't make me go!"

"Rose?" He asked, confusion treading with heavy boots across his face. Those faint lines that she had learned as familiar, now more deeply etched. The Doctor lifted his hands to her shoulders, staring at her mutely. A heartbeat passed in tense silence, as he crushed her against his chest. Almost violent with the intensity of his emotion.

"Please, I know you don't want me to stay, but I can't help it! I don't know how to go, and I love you…" She trailed off, twisting the fabric of his shirt between her fingers, desperately trying to pull him closer.

It felt like both his hearts skipped a beat, or stopped altogether for a moment. His hand rising, of its own volition, to rest against her cheek. Thumb brushing away the tears, as his knees went weak.

"I love you to," he managed to choke out, passed the lump in his throat, "More then anything. But, you're still crying for him! Every single night!" The frustration shone through in his voice, as he stared down at her.

She blinked hard, the first vestiges of understanding crossing her face. Lifting her hand, she punctuated every word, into his chest, right over the hearts that beat for her. "I've been crying for you! For you! Because you never, ever, look at me anymore!"

"Because I knew you could never love me, like you loved him."

"But I do." Rose said softly, and the raw emotion in his eyes was too much. Throwing her final reserve to the winds of what may, she closed her eyes and pressed her lips over his.

He never considered not kissing her back.

- ---

Well, I hope you liked it! And my special thanks to all my reviewers )

On ff.n- On A Teaspoon and an Open Mind

Neat scribble skydancer

Erika wmr

Angelic-ninja jamesdavidson(third time,I hope)

Starlite1 rosetylerrox

UnseenCharacters

Pandora-Moo and Feral (soon enough for ya?)

Vipvoo Two

The ever wonderful Evil-Demandred!

The Twilight Writer

Ginny-Star

Sarah

Megoddess2 (look, a second mention!)

Dee

And fruitcakegirl

You are all so great!


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